If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
