Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
