life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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