Screwed.edu
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
