I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
you never un-have a 4some
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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