My room smells like vodka and shame
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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