dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
