Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I can't turn off my feet"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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