Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
