I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
