Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize