dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
