Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
