ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
