I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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