what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize