I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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