He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
