his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize