Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
