just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
