How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Randomize
