then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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