When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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