So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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