Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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