my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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