i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
