I feel like abortions should bother me more
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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