I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
