i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
