I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
