I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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