i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
