the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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