Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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