Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
