look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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