Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
