I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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