I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
did i walk over a car last night?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
