Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize