Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
