my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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