your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
