So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
