If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Two words: blizzard sex
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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