i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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