Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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