So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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