honey bunches of taint.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
