Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
