I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
