Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
