My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
