someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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