Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
