i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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