the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
