I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize