Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
