do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize