I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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