I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
