I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Randomize