my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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